


Forbidden Kitchen Snacks

by montteabee



Category: Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Joke Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-01-26 18:56:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21378937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montteabee/pseuds/montteabee
Summary: My college friend begged me to write this as a joke so I did at like 2 am
Relationships: Norman Osborn/Peter Parker
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

It was a tiny bit of an affair. Since Peter was pretty good friends with Harry Osborn, he got to see a lot of Mr. Osborn himself. It started out as getting stuck alone in the kitchen together when Harry need to run off to go fetch something or anything else that left them alone. Norman would offer a glass of water since his son almost never did. This sort of attention would make Peter a little flustered. But he always took the water with a polite smile. This would go on for awhile, in a polite manner, but one day their fingers brushed up against one another and when Peter looked up to the older man, their eyes locked. The sexual tension in the room could be cut with a butter knife.   
This little incident lead to more gentle and subtle touches. Anything Peter would hand to Norman, he made sure their fingers brushed together. These small touches (even around Harry of all people!) lead to them becoming braver. Norman would put his hand on Peter’s shoulder longer than necessary. Sometimes Peter would pluck a loose hair from the older mans finely pressed suits. They became a little too brave around Harry sometimes, as if they were hoping to get caught.   
Worst of all, Peter started going around the Osborn household when he knew Harry wasn’t around, just to see Norman. It took awhile, but they kissed alone in the large house. Kissing lead to other things. These other things lead to more secret meetings and even secret subtle dates. All Peter would say is that Norman was a gentle lover.   
Unfortunately, this affair was starting to wear on Peter’s conscious. He was starting to feel guilty hiding this secret relationship from his best friend. Norman was so kind and bought him so many kind and expensive gifts. This lead to questions from his friend and he would have to lie where these gifts were coming from. A distant aunt who wanted to make up for all those missed Christmas’ or birthdays. Some secret admirer at school. All these lies were shit. He was so good at lying about being Spider-man but couldn’t come up with a decent lie about dating his best friend’s father. The secret had to come out at some point.   
“I feel awful lying to him, Norm,” Peter said one afternoon, stroking his soft brown hair.   
“He doesn’t need to know,” he responds in his normal gravelly voice.   
“He’ll find out sooner or later,” Peter looks up at him, a slight pout on his face.   
“It’s better that we tell him now, than him find out by accident.”  
Norman wasn’t a big fan of this idea, but he agreed with a loud sigh.   
They agreed to tell Harry next time he came around to the house. Peter and Norman sat on the couch together, watching him enter with a confused look on his face.   
“What’s going on?”  
“Harry…” Peter got up from the couch, placing a firm hand on his friend's shoulder. “I fucked your father.”   
Harry looked disgusted as Norman got up from the couch to where Peter stood and their tongues battled for dominance and Harry barfed at how disgusting this was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite intoxicated and my friend really wanted kudos updates and then we got a lovely comment about a very good advancement to the story up so here is the sequel

Harry rushed out of the building, trying not to barf everywhere but it didn’t happen as he barfed literally everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Peter and Norman kept on sucking face, because they were so in love. They continued their battle of the tongues in Normans room and it led to horizontal rumba. 

In the days following, Harry tried to not avoid his best friend but every time he looked at him all he could see was his father smashing face with Peter’s. After some long thought, Harry, gets his own place with whomever he is smashing booty with. Peter and Norman have never been in love/lust like this before. It’s like coming out made it more romantic. They keep smashing booty like 10 times a day. Like, that’s a lot of booty smashing. Norman eventually asks Peter to move in with him. Things are becoming very serious. 

Harry has become an alcoholic during this time. The fact that Peter is smashing his father is quite traumatizing for him. He MUST drink at least like five four loko's a day. And maybe a half a bottle of everclear. That just fucks him RIGHT UP. His smashing booty mate has become very concerned about his alcoholism and has left him but Harry does not care because he has that sweet sweet drank juice. But he loves his father very much and wants to try patching things up. So, he tries drinking less. But alcohol is VERY good. He still only drinks one four loko now and MAYBE a shot of everclear. It's a lot less than before. 

Thanksgiving comes up very quickly. He gets a little text-a-roo from his old pal Peter Parker. It been mmmm maybe two months since he has heard from him. Harry gets an invite to Thanksgiving dinner. Harry accepts. 

It’s now Thanksgiving. Harry shows up with a sweet little hot bottle of wine as a symbol of truce and acceptance. THEN Harry sees his father. His father has maybe perhaps mayhaps gained a little weight. Harry MUST NOT bring attention to this because he doesn’t want to start a fight on Thanksgiving, but he can't help but stare. This staring makes his father question him. 

“What is it, my boy?” he asks in his gravelly voice that sounds like he's been smoking since birth. 

“You…” he pauses, not wanting to cause alarm. “You look great dad. Nothing wrong here.” 

“Oh, it’s because I’ve gained weight, isn't it?” His father becomes hysterical in a matter of seconds. 

Harry don't lie. He's a good son. “Yeah, you’re starting to look a little…….”

“Dummi thicc? Perhaps?” Peter has a little sly smirk on his face as he interjects.

“I wouldn't say THAT, but he IS looking rather thick.”

“That’s because,” Peter starts. “HARRY,” he pauses again for dramatic affect. “i knocked up your father. With my super sperm.” 

Harry looks to his father, who nods his head in affirmation. Harry barfs yet again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only stomach writing mpreg while intoxicated so here we go!!!! Shout out to everyone who's putting up with this 😂

Harry practically refused to speak to Peter since their pregnancy announcement. His best friend and father! We're going to have a child together? Don't forget the fact that it's a fuckin super child of all things! Harry was furious. His alcohol intake became so fuckin serious, he pissed his pants 24/7 nonstop. How could Peter betray him like this? How could his father betray him like this???? Maybe he was just bein a little bitch and not accepting his bestie finding love. Likesure it's from his dad, so gross but it's was cute? No, Harry decided, it was NOT cute. How could his father, Norman Osborn, fuck?? He was so wrinkly. 

Anyway, Harry didn't wanna think about his dad old wrinkly ass fucking so I forgot where this sentence was going. Anyway. Harry stopped speaking to Peter. 

"I can't see you if you keep fuckin my father," he said to Peter. "That's gross and I can't believe you're my new stepdad. Im gonna have a half sibling. That's desgusting."

Peter cried. Like ran home crying. It was sad. 

Norman was swiftly moving along in his beautiful pregnancy. He loved it. Despite being a man of course. He worked from home because stupid tabloids are mean and just didn't understand he was having a super baby. Whatever. They could go fuck themselves for all he cared. So he was home when Peter came in, nasty snot running down his face from crying. The only thing Norman hated about Peter was his crying. He looked like he was trying to poo too hard. 

"Oh no," Norman's scratchy nasally voice tried sounding sincere. "What's wrong dear?"

"H-harry won't speak to me if we have this baby!" Peter sobbed. Ugh. Stop making that face.

"Oh, come on now," Norman opened his arms for Peter to fall in to. "Who needs him? He's a spoiled boy. We have each other."

"But Harry is my best friend!" He runs away to be alone, limbs flailing sadly. 

Norman sighs. He loves Peter. But Peter loves Harry. Not in a gay way. God forbid. Just in a bro way. How will he fix this??? Having a super baby is stressful enough. Norman follows him and apologizes. They fuck but Harry comes home to apologize and sees his dad's wrinkly ass fucking!! 

Harry throws up on the floor and pisses himself at the same time.


	4. I'm not updating anymore lmao

I can't write drunk anymore bc of my meds and that's really the only way I can write this fic but it was a very funny and dumb concept that I will love forever. Norman x Peter 4 life ya'll


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i fuckin lied. this has been on my brain for awhile and im tipsy once again.

Peter is, admittedly, very upset that Harry refuses to meet his brand new baby sibling when it is born.(they wanted the sex of the baby a surprise). Peter is torn. All he wants is his best friend back, but he also really fucking loves Norman. Like the dude is so sexy. He can't stop thinking about how his raspy voice is the most beautiful sound in the world. Like a man who has been smoking since the ripe age of three. And this wrinkles too. ALso like that fish mouth? Its a big mouth which means more landscape for kissing. Anyway. Norman goes into labor. Because peter had super sperm, the baby is now a super baby so it grew like real fast. Kinda like Bella in twilight but he didn't die from the baby. How in the hell is a hospital gonna know how to birth a baby from a man. What are the logistics there? Sometimes I don't even wanna think about it. Can the pee pee hole

W're gonna stop right there. 

Turns out, the baby is born through Norman's belly button. They can't believe it. A super baby coming out of a grown mans wrinkly ass belly button. it doesn't hurt. It just kinda opens up like a black hole and then when its done, its like it never happened. Is that too gross? I can't make this funnny in anyway can i? It's a baby boy! He's got peters gorgeous eyes and Normans large ass mouth. he's the most beautiful thing Peter has ever seen. he cries and norman cries too. They call harry but nothing. 

"I want him back, Norm." 

"I know," he gargles out. "Me too."

Peter doesn't know what to do! Maybe... no. He could never give up his child! Especially behind Normans back. But peter realizes he must go back to his horribly dorky self in order to get his best friend back. Even then, will things ever be the same?? He's not so sure as he stares into his childs beautiful orbs. 

"You know......" Norman starts, smirking in that way that kind like makes his sharp tooth poke out. You know what I mean. "We could just.... kill Harry."


End file.
